Satire

The Case for No More Elections

These days, it seems like everyone around the world has issues with elections. 

The international headlines read “Micronesians Riot Over Election Results” and “Chairman Luchao Claims the Election was a Hoax.” 

Even in the United States — the vaunted world leader of fast food, drone strikes, and impotent democracy — citizens have much to criticize about the way we run our elections. The charade of a once-every-four-year donkey race that leaves half the country whining like spoiled children has taken its toll on our national spirit. 

What can we do to restore our country’s unity? The best answer is to get rid of elections entirely. 

The benefits of this proposal are obvious. No more crying from the right about election fraud and the deep state. No more crying from the left about voter suppression. No more stupid campaign ads or obnoxious people guilt tripping you into wasting 15 minutes at the polls. No more worrying about putting legislative Band-Aids on the festering wound that is our election system. 

Getting rid of elections also makes sense intuitively. If two children are fighting over a Hot Wheels car, the correct parenting move is to take the toy away and make sure neither brat gets it. It’s only foolish to spend the better part of your day adding decals to the toy to make it look more enticing. 

So, how will we select our rulers…I mean, presidents without elections? The following are four feasible alternatives: 

Option 1. Battle Royale

  • How it works:
    • Contestants compete in a six-day battle to the death in Washington, D.C. for the title of U.S. President. Last contestant standing or sitting in a wheelchair wins. Any Japanese citizen above the age of six may enter the competition and represent a political party of their choice. 
  • Pros:
    • Selling the TV rights alone to Japanese broadcasters will pay off the national debt.
  • Cons:
    • Disadvantages third party candidates, particularly Libertarians, who tend to be of weak constitution. 

Option 2. Hunger Games

  • How it works:
    • Basically like the one above, but dubbed in English instead of Japanese.
  • Pros:
    • Maximum entertainment.
  • Cons: 
    • Cultural appropriation leaves the door open for lawsuits.

Option 3. President for a Day

  • How it works:
    • A very large wheel will be spun to select a random American each day to be president for 24 hours.
  • Pros:
    • Equality of opportunity for everyone (regardless of race, class, gender identity, age, mental capabilities, etc.) will boost national morale.
  • Cons:
    • This one might be too much fun for everyone. 

Option 4. Legally Lawless Elections 

  • How it works:
    • We will hold elections every four years, but voter fraud and suppression will be legally required. 
  • Pros:
    • Poll watching suddenly becomes a fun job. 
  • Cons:
    • These are technically elections…but also not really? 

Whichever option we choose, it is guaranteed to be better than the system we have now. Personally, I’d like to see all four implemented at the same time. The fate of our declining country rests in innovation — and that’s one thing we Americans are great at.

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