George Anthony Devolder Santos, recently elected the U.S. representative for New York’s 3rd congressional district and member of the Republican Party, has been accused of misusing campaign funds and fabricating details about his personal and financial background. His education has also come under intense scrutiny after the Congressman’s recent assertion that he attended the University of Texas at Austin. Santos agreed to sit down with the Orator and clear the air about his time on campus.
Orator: Hello, Mr. Congressman. It’s great to have you here.
Santos: Thank you, it’s great to be back home on the 50 acres.
Orator: Can I ask what you studied while you were here?
Santos: Believe it or not I was an English major! I have fond memories of the walk to my lectures in Welch Hall. With its rustic and traditional style, it truly felt like a small, cozy Liberal Arts building.
Orator: Did you spend a lot of time studying?
Santos: Of course, I earned consistent A+’s in all my courses.
Orator: Were you a Longhorn Football fan? Did you attend many games?
Santos: Oh I loved the games, OU rocks! We have such a strong football culture, I’m still a fan. Last season I rooted for that running back Dijon Robinson, kind of a funny name but that’s just how we do things at Austin.
Orator: Did you have a favorite study spot on campus?
Santos: Well, my friends were always on the seventh floor of the PCL. But I loved to study outside the WCP. It was always so quiet and peaceful at the picnic tables. One time, I even spotted the albino possum in a tree above me!
Orator: You said you stayed in Jester West your freshman year, how was your experience with the dorms?
Santos: I always compare it to a long stay at a luxury resort. Spacious rooms, gorgeous decor, killer views, what more could you ask for? Even the food is gourmet. No one cooks filet mignon and caviar like the J2 dining hall.
Orator: While your claim that you were a volleyball star at Baruch College isn’t true, you’ve since said that you misspoke and that you actually played for the UT’s Women’s Volleyball team.
Santos: Yes, I have such fond memories of practicing with girls and bonding after games. I remember especially the one time Coach asked me to play all six positions, just me and the ball on the court. It was difficult, but nothing a true Longhorn couldn’t accomplish.
Orator: Students are always on the lookout for Austin based actor and your fellow alumnus Matthew McConaughey. Have you ever seen him around campus?
Santos: Would you believe me if I told you that I am the real Matthew McConaughey?
Orator: Finally, do you have any advice for current UT students?
Santos: Stay honest and be true to yourself, even if you have to lie.
Disclaimer: This interview is fictionalized
Categories: Domestic Affairs, Satire
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