Satire

Apple: Goodbye Notch, Hello Headphone Jack

Following Apple’s recent bold move to add several ports (such as an HDMI port and SD card slot) and a magnetic charger to their latest Macbook Pro, as well as a physical top row keyboard in place of the traditional touch bar, the company has announced plans to add headphone jacks to the next generation of iPhones.

CEO Tim “My boyfriend calls me the biggest Apple” Cook announced this shocking decision in a post on the company website. The post read:

“Apple is a company dedicated to innovation. We created the AirPods to revolutionize the headphone industry, providing crystal clear audio, noise cancellation, and a sleek wireless design. However, many cannot afford to adapt to this technology or desire more flexibility in the audio devices they connect to their phones. That is why today we are announcing that the iPhone 14 will be introducing the headphone jack, a technology never before seen in top-of-the-line smartphones.”

Apple engineers explained that reducing the size of the notch on the phone screen has freed up a lot of space internally to allow for a headphone jack.

“People underestimate the technological innovation required for something like this,” explained Senior Technical Manager of Product Solutions for Mobile Technologies (Mumbai branch) Vinod Ramanujan.

High schoolers all around the country are very excited about this upcoming improvement. One 14-year-old from a Southern California public school said, “This was like the best thing ever. Just yesterday, I was talking to my bestie Sarah on my iPhone 13 (the 512GB option, obviously) because her boyfriend is totally talking to another girl. But then my AirPods died, so I had to look for some other AirPods, and she thought I ghosted her. Now she’s so mad she won’t even talk to me.”

The company also hinted that upcoming AirPods would have optional wires that users could buy to connect the headphones. The base price is expected to start at $79 for a 12-inch long wire and go up to $149 for a 36-inch wire.

Juan Pablo, a researcher of Human-Computer Interaction at MIT, expressed that such a feature would go a long way in helping keep people’s devices safe. Studies show that people are far more likely to drop or lose wireless headphones than wired ones. “While doing physical activity,” Juan Pablo stated, “it is quite common that the motion may dislodge a poorly fitted headphone and have it fall somewhere and not be found. For headphones that cost hundreds of dollars, wires that connect the earpiece to the device would be an incredibly useful option.”

However, it is not all sunshine and daisies. An Apple insider, going by the pseudonym Save Jobs, has revealed that this will not be your traditional jack.

“The headphone jack industry has not seen significant innovation in over a century. It has just been a matter of reducing the size of it as devices have become smaller. Apple took this as a challenge to reinvent the headphone jack.“

While there has been no official confirmation regarding this, it is likely that ‘regular’ (non-Apple, pre-2020) wired headphones will not be compatible. However, a survey of current iPhone 13 users found that 88% of them would not choose to use non-Apple headphones anyway.

Meanwhile, Barbara Whye, Apple’s Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion, made an important announcement about the diversity of workers in their AirPod supply chain. The statement read:

“In light of everything that has happened in the past year, it has come time for us to address the problematic situation of Chinese child labor in our factories. Not only does this labor population not reflect the beautiful diversity of people in the world, but it also perpetuates xenophobic associations between China and child labor. That is why, going forward, we will aim to do better by branching out our child labor force across more of Asia and show that we are a company that cares about people.”

Overall, we can expect great things from the upcoming iPhone and AirPods, as Apple continues to show just how in tune they are with consumer needs.

Categories: Satire, Tech

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