Domestic Affairs

A Post Election Toast

The 2020 election was perhaps the most chaotic in decades, and it will take some time to reach a consensus on the full results. However, it is already clear that there is a lot to celebrate from this election. So take out whatever is left of your election night liquor and join me in a toast to all of the good things we saw on November 3rd.

A toast to democracy.

A toast to a free and fair election. 

A toast to the lawyers who are going to work 18 hour days for the next few months so that the courts will reaffirm the second toast. 

A toast to the Supreme Court, which will have to sort this mess out.

A toast to dodging foreign interference in the election.

A toast to a lack of voter intimidation. 

A toast to California, which decisively reaffirmed its 1996 decision that someone’s race or gender should not be a factor in whether they have access to a good education.

Another toast to California, whose voters must have taken a last minute economics course.

A toast to Oregon, where I can now legally use heroin but will still be arrested if I try to buy a beer. 

A toast to Austin, which will spend the next few years affirming conservative arguments about government inefficiency by building yet another public transportation boondoggle.

A toast to the highest voter turnout in American history, despite the pandemic. 

A toast to a peaceful transition of power, whether through election results or court counts.

A toast to the Republican Party, which had its best performance among nonwhite voters in 50 years, proving once and for all that the Southern Strategy is dead and that conservatism can appeal to voters of all races.

A toast to the Democratic Party, which learned its lesson from 2016 and appealed to middle Americans who felt left behind by the modern economy.

A toast to the American people, who managed to choose between two cantankerous old men with more scandals than wrinkles.

A toast to Donald Trump, who for the past four years ensured we were never bored, and who certainly fulfilled his promise to shake things up in Washington D.C.

A toast to President-elect Joe Biden, may his attempts to bring the country together not be fruitless. 

A toast to Mike Pence, who somehow kept his sanity over the past four years.

A toast to Kamala Harris, who is the first woman of color on a major presidential ticket, and the second person of color to be vice president-elect.

A toast to the pollsters, who, despite their mistakes, tried their best. 

A toast to the media, who, even if some of their predictions were wrong, provide us with (mostly) accurate, up-to-date information in the form of cool-looking maps.

A toast to the fact checkers, who are fighting hard against disinformation without resorting to censorship. (Unlike a certain tech company I could mention…)

A toast to Nate Silver, who tried hard to get people to understand the difference between “this is what is statistically most probable, give or take a margin of error” and “this is what is guaranteed to happen.”

A toast to cocaine Mitch, who will spend another six years killing off terrible ideas and well-intentioned sweeping reforms, but I repeat myself. 

A toast to Nancy Pelosi, who will spend two more years explaining to her caucus why they can’t just print more money.

A toast to my own Congresspeople, John Cornyn (R) and Lizzie Fletcher (D), who were both reelected. 

A toast to the divided control of government, which forces compromise, or, failing that, protects us from the bad ideas of either party. 

A toast to the stock market, which is soaring after learning we will be protected from unified partisan control of government for, and thus safe from the aforementioned “reform” for four more years.

A toast to Omaha, which can now feel important for the first (and probably last) time in history.

A toast to poll workers and poll watchers, without whom we literally could not hold elections. 

A toast to campaign volunteers, who spent several months of their lives fighting for what they believe in, not with violence, but with persuasion.

A toast to the politically unaffiliated, who now don’t have to pretend to care about politics for another two years. 

A toast to New Zealand, which apparently also just had an election

A toast to the American people, who took a look at two parties, both deeply flawed, but both trying their best to preserve the American dream, and trusted them with enormous power over their lives. 

A toast to America, the land of the free, and home of the brave.

Categories: Domestic Affairs, Satire

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