Satire piece by Joe Cascino impersonating Representative Buford Rucker.
For the few of you who don’t already know me from my landmark legislative achievements such as the “Secession Round Two Bill” or the “Anti-Gay Frog Chemicals in the Water Act of 2015,” my name is Buford Rucker, and I am proud to represent the 151st District in the Texas House of Representatives. Today, I’d like to re-educate all the young folks reading this who have been BRAINWASHED by liberal cronies like “President” Greg Fenves or that New York Congresslady, AOL, on the current state of our truly wonderful and egregious legislature.
I am honored to write in The Texas Orator, one of the few non-Soros-funded publications still printing. However, I am highly auspicious of some of its LIBTARD writers like Joe Cascino, a UNIVERSITY DEMONRAT officer who undermines our President DONALD H. TRUMP and Nick Eastwood, who writes a WELL-THOUGHT OUT AND THOROUGH description of the fake news Russian disinformation campaign. Seeing their constant attacks on our values makes me prouder than ever that I chose to get a 750 on my SAT to not go to TU and instead become an Aggie. I may only have two brain cells, but I’ve got two more than Cascino and Eastwood. But audibly, people like them with their highfalutin liberal “facts” and “common sense” don’t run things around my Capitol.
A little bit about myself: I won my election back in 2010 alongside Patriots who took twenty-two DEMOCRAP seats, starving off their attempts to gain a majority from their previous hold of 73 to our 76. Before that, I was just a normal 50 or 65-year-old wealthy white man with an angry Facebook account running the most successful car dealership or law firm in all of the Panhandle or East Texas. One day, I got bored and decided to make a statement about the transitionalities by BARACK J. OBAMA. It was also to make a statement to my wife KAREN who has taken THE KIDS that I can still be successful. Since being elected on November 35th, 2010, I’ve been hard at work for Texans for five months every two years in the House Freedom Caucus.
And yes, I don’t believe the government should exist or my name isn’t Buford Darius Rucker. But I do coincide that it’s provided me one a heck of a ride. Now entering my fifth and most likely final session because I’ll probably die of old age next year (and my mortality is increasingly becoming a cause for an existential crisis that causes me to reflect on the many poor decisions I’ve made), I’d like to digress about some of the friends I’ve made along the way and what y’all can look forward to the rest of this session.
There’s my buddy Jonathan Stickland, a youngin who serves with me on the House Freedom Caucus. He rightfully voted against anti-human trafficking and pro-marijuana legislation despite his own past use and alleged personal growing of the devil’s lettuce. He also has an excellent track record of positive statements in the face of the CROOKED media, saying rape was impossible in marriage and attacking his opponent for being a “sneaky Muslim.” When y’all have time, check out his neato Facebook page, which correctly honors Martin Luther King as someone who fought the “KKK and the other racists who controlled the Democrat party” and in another post states, “Heaven has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy” and in another that “liberals want government programs to replace what the church should be doing.” And like me, none of my friend Jonathan’s legislation has ever been passed. Please help me, I don’t know what I’m doing.
Another good friend is the highly intelligent Briscoe Cain. Last session, Representative Cain demanded to defund a council that promotes palliative care, that thing that dying people get to make them feel better as they go off to Heaven or Hell (depending on religious belief/political affiliation, of course). He thought it was a “death panel” and didn’t really know much about it and unfortunately his colleagues had to correct him as to what it was before he almost slashed its funding. Because of this episode, some folks say he’s not complacent, but I think he is one of the most complacent people I have ever known. Did you know it’s been six years since I’ve seen my kids?
But I have to pour some out for the good ones we’ve lost along the way. Namely, my literal brother-in-arms, Matt Rinaldi, who threatened to shoot liberal “Representative” Poncho Nevarez last session. Another was the great Gary Elkins, who spent his tenure as the Government Transparency and Operations Committee killing government transparency legislation. Both somehow lost re-election last year. And despite how evil most DUMP-O-CRAPS are, I was friends with the only good one, Dawnna Dukes. She rightfully missed 84 percent of the votes in 2015 then the most again in 2017. Also in 2017, she promised to resign if indicted in a case regarding her use of our hard-earned taxpayer dollars to pay her daughter’s babysitter and a $51,000 online psychic, then didn’t when she was indicted. For some reason, the RADICAL LEFT decided to vote her out during the primaries last year. I was always worried I’d abandon my kids like my daddy did to me when he went out for that pack of cigarettes but instead, they abandoned me.
Therein lies the problem. Because the DIM-WITTED-CRATS took 12 seats in the House and two in the Senate, our majority has been dastardly cut. Because of this we couldn’t recreate the fun times of last session, which every Austin political activist remembers fondly. It was nice to have our LEGENDARY Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick call a special session and bring everyone back in his valiant attempt to ban TRANSFORMERS from going to the bathroom of their choice. It failed because of the trickiness of our RINO former Speaker of the House, Joe Straus because apparently, it was “offensive,” “unenforceable,” and would “likely cause millions of dollars in damage from companies and events that would either leave or boycott Texas over the bill.” Whatever. My son tried to call me today and I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone, despite my longing to hear his voice.
They gained enough seats to keep us from having someone awesome as Speaker to replace the retired LIBERAL IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING Joe Straus. So, we had to settle for Skeletor-looking Dennis Bonnen. In a measure of so-called good faith, Bonnen decided to put a bunch of SNOWFLAKES as chairs of several committees, the most important being Public Health, whatever that means. He talks about unity and has become well-endowed by both parties. Karen has tried to get me to sign the divorce papers for years now but I’m too much of a coward to sign them. Maybe that’ll damn me to Hell. Maybe not. Maybe that’s where I deserve to go.
But I think Skeletor may have a plan in place to trip up the DEMA-GOGUE-CRATS. I don’t know many of the rules, but I do know that the Speaker chooses what committee each bill goes to. For example, he did not send “Representative” Thierry’s HB 411 tax-and-spend Medicaid expansion for twelve months for women who have suffered a miscarriage to the liberal-chaired Public Health Committee and sent it to the Republican-chaired Health and Human Services Committee where it will probably die. Checkmate libs. I know he’s on our side. He posted the message, “I’ll bet my critics an AR-15 that their gun rights won’t be infringed,” on Facebook in response to me and the other good conservatives who were worried he’d be too rational and moderate. It was a rare show of his true caricature. I’m a shell of the once great car salesman or lawyer that I once was.
There’s a bunch of bills that we’re going to try and push through over the next little while. The first was my idea and was STOLEN by BABY LOOKALIKE Tony Tinderholt after we went out for DINNER AND A SHOW. His so-called “HB 896” would make abortion punishable by death! I’ll be the first to tell you that I will not be voting for this bill. And it’s not because it would be in total conflict with the federal ruling in Roe v. Wade and probably be overturned by the courts immediately or because the committee’s chairman has halted it, but because he stole my wonderful idea! I’m sure that’s why it’ll fail, especially after I tell everyone of his betrayal. What kind of monster would do that to me after I had taken him out for an INTIMATE EVENING of Lobster Thermidor and orchestra tickets for Les Misérables bought on my dime?! This experience has been almost as scarring as the time when Mama ripped up and threw away the little macaroni man I made for her in first grade or when Karen threw her wedding ring into the Gulf of Mexico.
On the other hand, I am excited by HB 1500, also known as the “fetal heartbeat bill” which would ban abortions after the first heartbeat is detected. Another is HB 47 by another intelligent member of the House Freedom Caucus, Valoree Swanson. HB 47 would amend the doctor rules so doctors who perform abortions in the third-semester, do them without written parental consent, or perform illegal abortions (which because of our Supreme Court may finally be a reality) will lose their medical license. But the best of all is HB 2350, the “trigger law” which will ban abortion in Texas as soon as Roe v. Wade is overturned. We can thank my friend whose name I can’t pronounce, Representative Capriglione for this. I have to save face because my House seat is the only thing I have left and if I lose that I’m going to fall flat on my face and I know that I won’t be able to face the music.
As far as our gun rights, our one good one sadly just failed. HB 357 — y’all know it as “constitutional carry” — was proposed by Jonathan Stickland. It would have allowed the good God-fearing Christian folk to carry around their guns wherever they like without some sort of “license” or ridiculous liberal program to hold them back. But, I’m gonna be honest, and this isn’t an apology, because I DON’T apologize (except in unanswered 3:00 am voicemails to Karen), I kinda screwed this one up. My good friend, Chris McNutt, the President of Texas Gun Rights searched around neighborhoods in Lubbock and Amarillo to find Representatives Dustin Burrows and Four Price to lobby for the bill at their houses. I helped him out by giving him Bonnen’s address and he showed up there while Bonnen was in Austin (but his wife and teenage son were home) after driving over 200 miles but was unfortunately arrested by law enforcement at their doorstep! I wish he would have come to my doorstep so I could have had someone to talk to.
Sadly, BORING BONNEN calls what he was doing “gutless intimidation tactics” and killed it. Jonathan won’t talk to me for what I did to his special bill. I tried to cheer him up by reminding him that the Senate passed a resolution calling the border migrant surge an emergency and crisis, without informing the libs before it hit the floor, but he just looked at the ground, a tear in his eye, saying nothing but, “My guns. My guns. My precious guns.” It’s a shame, but we’ll try again someday. But even constitutional carry wouldn’t make me more insecure than I am right now.
But unfortunately, all of these bills probably won’t pass because of the ghost of Joe Strauss and fake Republicans like him. He’s already doing this. Look at the Fetal Heartbeat Bill which was thrown at the Public Health Committee where it will probably be dead on arrival. Bonnen and the leadership think they have the “foresight” to save Republicans in vulnerable districts from themselves by keeping them from the floor because none of them could resist the urge to vote for it. Then if any passed, the effect would be them all losing and a nightmare where the DEMONSTRABLY-BAD-CRATS run things. Yeah right. Idiots. The great German nihilist Nietzsche once wrote that “to live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” I don’t think I’ve found any meaning. I’m not surviving. I’m just suffering.
I think this session is going to be a boring one. Look at the budget as an example. No one’s rights were taken away in the budget, despite several amendments that would have done so, but at the same time, luckily, no rights were restored because of any amendments. The bill passed the House after 13 boring hours of people saying big words, but with nothing truly contravertable in it. While it still needs to go through the Senate, the Senate version probably won’t differ too much. I’ve lost most of my friends. Whenever I get lonely, I have no one left to talk to. Whenever anyone asks me if I want to spend time with them, I’ve just screamed “libtards” or told them that they “can’t stump the Trump” but what I really wanted to scream at them was “help.”
So all in all, our normally perfect legislature is just okay today. Nothing too interesting will pass but at the same time nothing reeking of liberalism will slip through. And if you have a problem with that, me, or any of the other characters in the legislature you should just shut up and go organize for DEMO-ONLY-BUT NOT FULL VERSION-CRATS who are only NINE seats from taking away our precocious majority. Also, if you can please be my friend, even if you are a libtard because I am a very fragile and shiny little porcelain doll who may not even know you but needs you now more than ever.